The Big Bang Theory / Sheldon Cooper Standup
Sheldon: Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.
Raj: Oh boy.
Sheldon: One of my favorite places to visit is the two dimensional world described in Edwin Abbotts mathematical fantasy, Flatland.
Raj: I don’t wanna go to Flatland.
Sheldon: You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.
Raj: Oy.
Sheldon: Is that you Raj? I don’t recognize your edge.
Raj: Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer and I don’t want to go alone.
Sheldon: Well, you’re in luck. There’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh look! There’s a sexually attractive line segment. You should chat her up.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Tell her you’re a circle. Flatland gals are all hot for circles.
Jeff: You know what you are? You’re a social assassin.
Larry: Jesus. I guess I am in a way.
Priya: Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.
Penny: Oh, yah yah, it’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was gonna be for a cat food commercial, turned out to be porn.
Sheldon: Did you get the part?
Penny: I didn’t do the audition.
Sheldon: Given the state of your career can you really afford to be picky?
- Elliott: You're getting audited? Oh, you shoulda used my guy. He's a creepy little weasel who knows every little loophole and gets a sexual thrill outta cheating the feds.
- Nina: Who is he?
- Finch: Me.
- Nina: Are you really that good?
- Finch: Last year the government paid me 20 grand not to grow corn.
- Nina: You're hired.
- Larry: Do you know what people say when you guys leave the room?
- Jeff: What? What do they say?
- Larry: Poor bastard.
